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AUGUST ISSUE

When Your Ex Girlfriend Starts Dating Someone New: Why It Hurts So Much and How We can Handle the Pain

So your ex is dating someone new. This can bring back a lot of memories and a lot of pain. Seeing someone you loved and were intimate with happy with someone else is tremendously painful. Mostly because it reminds us of what we have lost, and because it emphasizes that your ex moved on, yet you haven't been able to do that yet.

Everyone needs some time to get over a past love, and this time varies for everyone. When you are still dealing with unresolved feelings of pain or anger, seeing your ex happy and lovey-dovey is not exactly helpful for your own healing process.

The reality is, your ex girlfriend is a free woman, if she is dealing with her pain by going out on rebound dates or feels she met 'the one', then that is her right. You however do not have to stand by and watch. The fact that you know she is going out with someone new suggests that either you are still in touch, share the same group of friends or community, or live in a very very small town. Instead of focusing on her new love and dating habits, you need to focus on yourself. You need to take distance from her, otherwise you will never get over the pain!

Sometimes we cannot completely avoid someone, if you for example belong to the same church congregation or the same rowing club you are bound to run into each other. However, you can create as much space as possible. If you were going to stay friends, tell your ex girlfriend that you want to avoid her for a while so you can deal with your feelings. You are just not ready yet to be friends if seeing her with someone else hurts you. Avoid these situations as much as you can though. Try a new hobby or sport and meet a new group of people instead of only spending time with the same people you spent time with as a couple. That only brings back memories and awakens the pain you are going through.

Getting past the pain has a lot to do with moving on yourself. I am not suggesting you should date someone before you get over your girlfriend, because that would be unhealthy for you, and unfair to the person you are dating. You do need to force yourself to let go. And if you and your ex decided to stay friends, now is not the time. Also tell your friends to avoid the "ex topic", you are probably thinking enough about her without your friends making it worse by continuously focusing your attention on your lost love. You need as much mental and physical space as possible, not to ignore the pain but rather to avoid focusing too much on it.

Store mementos from the relationship away. Put all pictures, gifts and reminders in a box and store it away in a closet or your attic. Where ever you cannot see it! One day you can fondly look back and see them again, but now they will only hurt you.

Try to find out exactly why it hurts so much: is it because you lost someone you loved, or is it because you lost this particular woman? Sometimes when a relationship is not what it should be anymore, and one person decides to break up, both just miss having someone special in their lives. The feeling is however not tied to that one particular person, because that wasn't working out anyways, right? Once you can identify if what you are missing is someone special, instead of this particular person, then you can more easily get over your ex girlfriend. After all, it would not be her specifically you are missing, you just miss what she represented in your life. Making a list of your ex girlfriend's bad traits, or areas in which you were completely incompatible can also help you focus your energy on finding someone who is compatible with you in the future. Realizing you broke up for good reason, and realizing you may just miss someone in your life, allows you to move on and eventually meet that special person. A person who will be perfect for you.

For more information about a man holding his own power over women (and his life) please read Why Women Love Bastards, by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru.

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