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Sex with the Ex? Should You? Would You?

Broken up but still seeing each other? Regardless of the length of the relationship or the breakup you went through, you likely still have some feelings for your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes these feelings can take over and the memory of 'old times' lead you down a trail to the bedroom. Why do we have sex with our ex, and should we?

Sex with the ex is a more common phenomenon than people admit to. There is of course some taboo involved with the topic, and often the 'news' is feverishly whispered to our girlfriends after a few drinks on a Friday night.

Sex with your ex has the common "know what you're doing" requirement: know what you are getting yourself into! There are different reasons people have sex with their ex, so try to find out what your reasons are, and most importantly: what your ex's reasons are! If you are sleeping together with different agendas, then you have a problem.

Nostalgic Sex

Sometimes ex-couples still sleep with each other on occasion after having broken up because they miss the physical intimacy. Generally there are no hidden reasons (you're not trying to win the other person back, etc) and you are both aware you do not want to be in a relationship with each other anymore. The sex just happens to be good, familiar and fulfill your physical needs. Above all; it is available. You can keep with this kind of ex sex for a while, but at some point one of you will start seeing someone else and that will likely (or should!) end it. As with all other reasons why people have ex sex, keeping up the physical part of your relationship, while in all other aspects you are no longer a couple, does tend to blur the lines. Are you sure you will be OK with your ex dating another person, and consequently no longer sleeping with you? If your answer to this is no, then you are likely not having nostalgic sex, and instead your subconscious is still trying to hold on to what no longer is.


This reason for ex sex is probably most damaging (unless you are both on the same line! But that is rarely the case). One of you thinks that by being physically intimate you will win the other person back, or it means you are still in a relationship. Best policy is to be up front with your partner. You are probably not going to tell them "Hey honey,… I'm trying to win you back by performing this sexy strip tease for you and seducing you", however you may want to let them know they are giving you hope on a reconciliation of the relationship by continuing to sleep with you. If his or her intentions are not in line with yours, then saying this will probably scare them enough to either tell you gently or be a jerk about it. Either way, you know enough!


You are both not seeing anyone else, and although you have broken up you feel like giving each other a second chance. You are obviously still attracted to each other, so despite agreeing to 'take it slow', you ended up in bed the other night. This doesn't have to be so bad; at least you are (presumably) getting along in bed. Again, communication is key. Make sure you are still on the same page and one person doesn't think everything is back to normal as soon as you're sleeping under the same covers. As soon as something changes on either end, the other person has to be told. Otherwise they will feel mislead down the road, which generally leads to very unpleasant situations.

No matter for what reasons you are having sex with your ex, make sure you communicate with them why you're doing it. If you yourself don't know, make sure you say that as well! It's better to share confusion with someone, than nothing at all.

Generally sex with an ex is not considered a good idea. It does have the tendency of blurring some lines, and people are more often dishonest about their true intentions. You are also making yourself more vulnerable and if you were the dumpee, you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment and rejection down the road. If you were the dumper you may be giving your ex false expectations and hope. If you really can't help yourself, at least tell your ex your true intentions. If it is just about sex, you can easily get it elsewhere without hurting someone you once loved. If it is just about sex for both of you, then at least neither has to worry!

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